Our new film has a lot to do with the residue from broken relationships and fears about death. In an unsupervised social experiment created by me, I reached out to my exes to ask them about their thoughts on death.
Here's my first interview with Ex #1, who from now on will be be called MAX POWERS!
1) What are your greatest fears?
GREATEST FEARS INCLUDE BEES, COMMITMENT, AND LIVING A LIFE OF MEDIOCRITY.
2) Please pick one and share if you have any thoughts on its origin.
WHEN I WAS 6 OR 7 YEARS OLD, I LIVED IN THE ATTIC OF A SMALL HOUSE LOCATED IN A FORGETTABLE LOCATION OF THE FLYOVER STATES. OUR NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR OWNED A HUGE PLOT OF LAND SURROUNDING OURS AND, JUDGING BY THE SMELL, IT WAS COMPOSED ENTIRELY OF NOTHING BUT COW SHIT. ONE PARTICULAR FEATURE OF SAID COW SHIT PASTURE WAS AN OLD, DECREPIT BARN. SERIOUSLY, LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A MADE-FOR-TELEVISION KIDS HALLOWEEN SPECIAL. THE WOOD LEFT ROTTING FOR YEARS. INTERIORS SPIDER-WEBBED AND LITTERED WITH RUSTY FARM TOOLS THAT WERE PROBABLY MURDER WEAPONS AT ONE POINT. I ALWAYS FOUND MYSELF DRAWN TO IT, INTRIGUED BY THE GHOSTS OF YESTERYEAR'S COW-SHIT-SHOVELERS. YET, THE SCARIEST ASPECT OF THE WHOLE PLACE WAS AN ENORMOUS BEE'S NEST IN THE CORNER OF THE MAIN STABLE. IT WAS HUGE. LIKE, SERIOUSLY LARGE. A PULSING, BUZZING RUSTIC TUMOR. I WAS NEVER STUNG OR ANYTHING, BUT SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY THOSE BEE'S MOVED IN AND TOOK UP A SHOP, DESPITE THE GHOSTS AND THE SMELL AND THE INEVITABLE COLLAPSE OF THE BUILDING... WELL, THAT WAS ENOUGH FOR 7-YEAR-OLD ME TO NEVER QUITE TRUST BEES AGAIN.
3) Please elaborate on how you feel when in the midst of being confronted with this fear.
USUALLY, IT INVOLVES A LOT OF SQUEALING AND RUNNING THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. SPASTIC ARM WAIVING. HIDING BEHIND LOVED ONES AND SMALL CHILDREN. BASICALLY, IF YOU CAN IMAGINE THE MOST COWARDLY THING IMAGINABLE, THAT'S PROBABLY A FAIRLY ACCURATE REPRESENTATION.
4) If death isn't in the top, what are your thoughts on the possibility of dying? (if death was top, skip to 5)
IT WOULDN'T BE IDEAL. IT'S NOT SO MUCH THE IDEA OF DEATH THAT'S SCARY, BUT MORESO THE IDEA THAT IT WOULD HAPPEN PREMATURELY. IT'S LIKE... I GOT SHIT TO DO, YOU KNOW? I'VE GOTTA GO GROCERY SHOPPING AND PICK UP MY DRY CLEANING AND GET MY TAXES DONE. I DON'T HAVE TIME TO BE DYING JUST YET. GIVE ME ANOTHER 70 YEARS OR SO AND THEN WE'LL CALL IT A DAY, COOL?
5) What does death mean to you?
PERMANENCY. IT'S LIKE A ONE WAY ROAD WITH NO U-TURNS.
6) Please list the first few movies that come to you mind that feature older characters.
COCOON, AMOUR, AND THE GREATEST CINEMATIC UNIVERSE OF ALL TIME... THE EXPENDABLES.
7) Who are your favorite older actors (65+)?
DAME JUDI DENCH, HELEN MIRREN, CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER, WILFORD BRIMLEY (die-yah-beetus)
8) What would you do if Death came to visit you?
I'D OFFER HIM A MOUNTAIN DEW AND ASK HIM TO JUST CHILL FOR AWHILE. MAYBE SET HIM UP WITH AN IPAD TO KEEP HIM BUSY WHILE I COOKED DINNER. JUST HANG, YOU KNOW? THAT WAY, YOU ESTABLISH A RAPPORT AND MAYBE HE FEELS BAD ABOUT STOPPING BY UNANNOUNCED. WHATEVER YOU CAN DO TO PROLONG WHAT TIME YOU'VE GOT LEFT, I FULLY SUPPORT.
9) If Death came to you as an ex, who would it be (no names necessary, just characters!), and how would you react?
THERE WAS AN EX WHO MADE A HABIT OF SHOWING UP OUTSIDE MY DOOR IN A FACE FULL OF TEARS. MAKE-UP SMEARED, TALKING A MILE A MINUTE. MOST OF THE TIME, THERE WAS NO REASON BEYOND JUST GENERAL EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY -- AND I DON'T MEAN THE USUAL GUY CODE OF "BITCH BE CRAZY." WE'RE TALKING MULTIPLE DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENTS A WEEK. NUMEROUS PRESCRIPTIONS. FREQUENT SELF-HARM THREATS. OUR UNTIMELY DEMISE ENDED WITH A BLOW-OUT ARGUMENT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED PARKING LOT, WHEREBY SHE SQUEALED THE TIRES OF HER PARENTS' EXPENSIVE SUV AND LOUDLY PROCLAIMED, IN FRONT OF HALF A DOZEN FAMILIES AND ONE ELDERLY WOMAN IN A LOVELY PINK COAT, THAT SHE "WISHED SHE HAD NEVER SLEPT WITH ME." THIS RATIONAL BEHAVIOR WAS FOLLOWED UP NEARLY A WEEK LATER BY THE PLASTERING OF AN ANGRY, TEAR-STAINED LETTER AND STEM OF DRIED, DEAD ROSES ON MY DOOR.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, IF SHE WAS DEATH AND SUDDENLY SHOWED UP TO ESCORT ME TO THE OTHER SIDE, I THINK I WOULD KNOW IMMEDIATELY. I WOULD KNOW US MEETING FACE TO FACE AGAIN COULD ONLY MEAN BAD NEWS BEARS AND I SHOULD JUST COOPERATE.
THERE ARE SOME THINGS -- AND SOME PEOPLE -- YOU JUST CAN'T ESCAPE, SO THERE'S ALMOST NO POINT IN TRYING TO FIGHT IT. DEATH MAY BE AN INEVITABILITY, BUT YOU CAN OFTEN AVOID IT IF YOU MAKE SMART DECISIONS AND AVOID CARCINOGENS. FATE, THOUGH -- BE IT IN THE FORM OF A PERSON OR SITUATION -- IS ALMOST MORE TERRIFYING THAN ANYTHING BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO. IT'S THE LACK OF CONTROL THAT REALLY SCARES US MOST, I THINK.
PLUS, SHE DIDN'T LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW, SO I DON'T THINK MY PREVIOUS SCHEME TO DISTRACT HER WOULD PROVE ALL THAT FRUITFUL.